Chapter 10

When an aging parent is transitioning between independence and a greater need for depending on others, it is important to give them time to realize and accept these changing needs. They must acknowledge that they are in need of assistance in some or many areas and agree to accept help. This shift can cause great stress for both the parent and child. On one hand, the parent must make a move that will greatly change their everyday life and accept that they do need help and the end is nearing closer. On the opposite side, the child must change their way of living to include taking care of their parent. After living apart for several decades, it is a great change for all parties involved to revert back to living under one roof.

Having an elderly parent move in with an adult child and their family can upset everyone’s life, which can worsen the already bad situation. Many times, assisted living is a viable option that helps to ease the stress of the caregivers. While the child still must change the way they live to accommodate visiting and caring for their parent, it is not nearly as great of a change as having the parent move in. Also, when an aging parent lives with their child, family members will disagree about many issues, which can make the situation harder for everyone. If the parent lives in an assisted living community, they can still hold some independence and avoid many of the problems that come with living with their child.

Chapter 7 and 8

While many elders are able to continue driving in their later years, not everyone can maintain quick reflexes, good eyesight, and other factors that could impair their ability to stay safe on the road. For most people, losing their ability to drive causes them to become much more dependent on others, so it can be very difficult to convince them they should give up their keys. However, it is important to remember that safety, both for your parent and everyone else on the road, is the number one priority. It is much easier to deal with the short-term hurt feelings or anger than to lose a parent in an accident that could have been prevented.

This situation could possibly be eased if the parent would want to live in a senior community because often times, they provide transportation to popular locations and also have many activities for residents to participate in. In this case, the elder may willingly give up their driving privileges if they do not need their own car to get around town.

Oftentimes, losing the ability to drive is only the first in a series of many changes resulting in a much greater dependence on others. Chronic diseases are very common among the elderly, and over time, these can cripple them and prevent them from being able to care for themselves. Most elders today finish their lives in nursing homes. While that idea is not favorable, it is not as common for families to take care of the elders due to busy schedules and high demands of care needed.

Another challenge is to find a nursing home or assisted living facility that meets quality requirements of the family while still being somewhat affordable. On average, and elder spends two and a half years in a nursing home, but most often, they run out of money long before that. This fact should make it apparent to Americans that changes need to be enacted to keep seniors from losing their life savings in order to receive end-of-life care.

Chapter 3 & 4

There is great difficulty in accepting that a parent is suffering but at the same time distancing yourself from that suffering, while still remaining close to the parent. It is a very complex balancing act that is of great importance in supporting the parent. It is a great responsibility for a child to take on in caring for an aging parent, but it also can have great rewards for all involved. Often times, an elderly or widowed parent has no one else to turn to but their own children when they are no longer able to care for themselves. If the child has the financial resources and time available to care for a parent, even if this means using professional care and still spending time with the parent, it can fulfill an important mission in life. While it is difficult to see someone you care about suffering, it is necessary to still be a part of their life and show them that you care in order to ease their condition.

Adjusting to losing independence due to illness or another cause is a very complex process for all parties involved. Each of us hopes to remain healthy and independent until our final days, but that goal is not realized for many. With increasing age, the probability of developing one or more chronic diseases grows, which leads to decreases in function and/ or mental ability. For the most part, parents would choose to be taken care of by their child rather than institutionalized. This can put a strain on the family, but the overall benefit or weakness depends on the people involved, their interests, and financial capability. While caring for a parent in the child’s home can be costly in time and privacy, professional care is extremely costly in the monetary sense, as well as mentally for both the parent and child. In many cases, this is the only option, and all parties must accept the challenges and support each other through the trying times.

Chapter 2: Recommendations 1, 3, & 4

When presented with the issue of caring for an aging parent, there is little knowledge gained over time that will prepare you for this daunting task, especially if the parent loses their independence rapidly. The first recommendation to aid children in responding to challenging situations is to response to a parent’s anger and frustration with empathy, rather than questioning them. It is important to try to understand the types of feelings and thoughts that one experiences in advancing age, such as frustration with the limits placed on their once-healthy body and fear of their inevitable death in the near future. The parent may take their anger out on the person closest to them, perhaps their child, and in this case, it is best to express your wish to help them in any way. There really is not anything within our power to reduce their symptoms of disease or to ease their discomfort with a frail body, but showing support and caring for them can help ease their suffering and comfort them by knowing they are still cared for and loved.

Secondly, it is important to remember that an aging parent still needs to have their own space and attempt to complete some activities of daily living, even if they are too impaired to accomplish all of them. It is good to help at their request, but if a child attempts to do too much for the parent, they will feel worthless and lose their desire to live. If the parent is encouraged to try to continue to care for themselves in some ways, it will help to increase their self-worth decrease chances of depression. Also, encouraging them to socialize with other elders in the nursing home or other facility in which they reside will help them to have a feeling of community and friendship, rather than isolation and loneliness.

Recommendation 4 deals with a topic also covered in the text: reminiscence as a tool to help those in advanced age remember a time before they were sick or disabled in order to improve their overall condition. This is especially helpful for people suffering from dementia because they are able to recall events that happened in the past, while their daily activities are difficult for them to remember. When they remember the “good old days,” it takes their mind off their current condition and takes them back to a happier time. Children should encourage their parent to recall past events that were enjoyable and engage in the conversation when possible. Also, persuading their parent to reminisce with others in the facility would be beneficial to all.

Raising a Parent: Chapter 1

I found it interesting that the author speaks of growing up in Gary because I can certainly relate, for I am from a town located in Northern Indiana as well. The ethic segregation he described is still in effect to this day, although it is steadily decreasing with increased immigration from other regions and countries. The city I was born in, Elkhart, is similar to Gary in its reliance on factories, which has lead to its great downfall with the current recession. In addition to similarities in the location, my parents also forced me to take part in activities that my heart was not in, all though it was sports rather than religion. I can completely relate to the author’s desire to miss even one meeting, without avail. At the time, I had no interest in playing sports and exercising constantly, although over time I grew to be quite a decent athlete with their assistance. Looking back now, I do see that keeping in shape was beneficial and helped to keep me healthy, if nothing else. I now have a desire to return to the exercises, although not the game itself.

He speaks of elders who have lost their independency as being seen as “out of touch” or a nuisance, which is very sad to think that a person can be reduced to such. However, this is a very real situation. I volunteered at a hospital during my high school years, and it always was disturbing to hear my peers speak of the patients in a terrible manner. Regardless of their condition, they are still human beings that deserve respect and compassion. This also brings to mind many instances in the news of abuse in nursing homes. It is unbelievable how widely these beliefs spread in our country.

When the time comes that our parents reach an age or deteriorated state in which they depend on us as we depended on them growing up, it is a chance to slightly repay them for the things they gave up for us. It was not until recently that I realized how much time, effort, and money my parents put into making sure I was happy. When I was young, it was my understanding that every child was treated as well as I was and never denied anything they needed and very little that was desired. I have now come to the realization that I was treated very well and much better than others, which I try to compensate for now as much as possible. However, it would not be possible to do as much for them as they have done for me.